WOODBURY — As the 2022-23 school year creeps towards its end, an illness more irritating than the common cold’s sniffles, or the headaches that come with those pesky seasonal allergies, makes itself known at high schools across the country.

Though the question of contagiousness remains, the infamous senioritis is easy to spot. Typically defined as a loss of motivation or energy towards the end of one’s final school year, the illness primarily affects—you guessed it—seniors in second semester. With college guaranteed for most who plan to attend, and the promise of summer growing agonizingly closer with each passing period, the condition spreads understandably rapidly throughout the graduating class.

Symptoms include anything from showing up for the wrong class at the wrong time to not showing up to classes at all, or, in rarely documented cases, showing up to the right class at the right time … with no backpack.

“Around two weeks before AP exams, I just stopped caring,” said Nonnewaug senior Jack Wendel, using far stronger words than the school newspaper can publish. “Especially after APs, I only have a few classes we’re still learning new things in, and I’m already committed to a college.”

Students and staff alike are urged to monitor the signs as they progress, and remain wary of disgruntled seniors as they begin to wear pajamas to school six days out of the school week’s five—a time-warping phenomenon scientists are still trying to understand. 

Officials urge the public to approach coffee-drinking seniors with a greater degree of caution than seniors in any other stage of the illness, particularly as they begin bringing two Dunkin’ iced coffees to school rather than one, but forgetting to add sugar to both, leaving both drinks slightly less bitter than the unfortunate student who spent the last of their paycheck on a vain attempt to satisfy their daily caffeine requirement.

“The worst part of senioritis is thinking you’re going to have a productive day,” Wendel said. “You go home, ready to do all of your work, then fall asleep. Then, you wake up in the evening and eat. Then, you go back to sleep again.”

“I was done before AP exams had even started,” said Nonnewaug senior Sophia Cipriano. “A lot of us just have no motivation to do assignments anymore. I stopped turning on my alarm, and already deleted PowerSchool from my phone. I don’t even know where my pens are.”

Nonetheless, the semester stumbles on, dragging senior students through AP exams and finals, towards the graduation-shaped light at the end of the tunnel. To the frustration of many, there is no known cure for the ailment just yet, and only a few known treatments keep students focused on this year while preparing for the next.

“Don’t procrastinate,” Cipriano said. “Even if you’re committed to a college, it’s boring to come to school every day and do nothing. Don’t waste your own time.”

Nonnewaug College and Career Resource Center advisor Kathy Green has seen countless cases of senioritis make their way through each graduating class. 

“It’s a very real thing,” she said. “Everyone is taxed from the school year and ready for a break. My best advice, though, is to maintain respect, and try to keep focusing on the assignments you still have to do. Make the most of your last month of high school, because this is the last time you’re going to spend together with your class.”

Seniors who plan to study English or other art-focused subjects are encouraged to strengthen relevant skills as they end their final semester by analyzing the symbolism of the color of the school walls and stumbling through Shakespeare.

Meanwhile, professionals recommend that students moving into the field of mechanics watch Herbie the Love Bug on repeat until they can name the make and model of every car in the movie based only on the license plate number. 

Lastly, environmental science majors are urged to preemptively seek therapy.

Between the processes of applying for exam exemption and carefully budgeting remaining absences, anonymous seniors encourage their classmates to “not give up yet—at least wait until June,” to “think about Brunch for Lunch any time you consider skipping,” and to “imagine how disappointed your teachers would be, then place your online Starbucks order.”

Senioritis is a progressive, grade-threatening infliction to be taken seriously by all parties affected. If left unchecked, it can lead to low test scores, serial absence, and, in rare cases, the rapid disappearance of a high school diploma.

For more information, confer with your guidance counselor about the best treatment for you.

Or, open Netflix again and shrug it off. What’s the worst that can happen?